Important vs. More Important

Last time, I wrote about the idea that every time we say "yes" to something that takes time and energy we have said "no" to something else.  Part of the reason that this matters is because time and energy are limited resources that we don't get back once spent.  The reality is that there are times where the decision is clear and easy to make, but what happens when that isn't the case?

Have you ever had a decision of any magnitude that had more than one good option?  Or maybe more than one really good option?  I know my life has had times where decisions have been clear because one option was clearly better and more beneficial than the other.  A little self-discipline and the choice is made, the time and energy spent, and I'm happy with the results.  No sweat.

About 10 years ago I first came across the reality of the important vs. more important.  About 6 years ago is when this principle really started to mean something to me in a tangible way.  I started learning through the experiences of working a couple jobs, going to school part-time, being married, and having a house to clean that sometimes life involves tricky choices of important things versus more important things.

I definitely made some mistakes in discerning what was most important for me to do in a given moment.  It took some time and living the consequences of my decisions to help sort out my options and reach more clarity in this matter.  The most frequent example I have is when the obligation of important homework came up against the desire to spend quality time (or any time) with my wife.

I eventually realized that learning can take place without homework (though a well-planned class assigns worthwhile, non-busywork homework), but a healthy marriage can't be realized without quality time.  The more time that passed, the better I got at recognizing when I needed to ignore the important homework instead of ignoring my more important wife.  And really, the decision making came down to what matters most at the end of the day.

I think it is important to not be ignorant.  I think it is important to be educated.  I think it is important to know how to read, write, and think well.  I think it is important to know how to read, write, and think critically.  My formal education gave me the tools to do those things.  However, at the end of the day, those things don't hold up to being able to say that I loved my wife well and did everything I could to support her each and every day.

So, sometimes I skipped small or medium-sized homework assignments.  Other times I took 5-10 minutes to clarify with Kristin when we would spend time together that day, week, or weekend in light of my work load.  It amazes me how much more patience she had for me and my work load when she knew I was working hard to care for her and love her well.

I'd love to hear an example you have of choosing between the important and more important.  I'm sure I can learn something from it.

When "Yes" Means "No"

Of the different lessons I've learned in my life, this lesson is one that I had to learn the hard way.  Obviously, it is nicer to learn things through easy means that don't involve some sort of hardship, but learning things the hard way seems to have a greater amount of sticking power.  We seem to remember things better when it hurts.

If you know me, then you probably know I spent five and a half years taking part-time classes to finish my undergrad degree while working two part-tme jobs (one was in a church, which made it hard to call it part-time).  I knew I was over-scheduled and that I had made a choice to be.  At first, it wasn't a big deal to be crazy busy.  However, more good opportunities of how I could spend my time kept coming across my path.

If you know me, then you probably know I love volleyball.  I played at a summer youth conference every year starting in sixth grade and played for my high school all four years.  I played in a year round league multiple times during high school to prepare for my high school seasons.  The opportunity to play volleyball is always a big incentive to make room in my schedule to play.

When I found a volleyball open gym in my area a couple summers ago, I had the time to play.  Every week in the summer for a couple hours on a Thursday night, I would go have tons of fun.  What I quickly learned in the fall when school started again  was that saying "yes" to volleyball meant saying "no" to homework, studying, house work, quality time with my wife, sleeping, mentoring high schoolers, etc.  Those weren't things I was willing to sacrifice.  There weren't enough hours in the week for everything I needed and wanted to accomplish.

Balance is incredibly important in life and one of the only ways I'm ever able to achieve it is when I remember saying "yes" can equal saying "no" to something else.  I have to make sure I say "yes" to the important things and people in my life.  I don't want to say "yes" to something permissible to find out later in the day or week that it wasn't beneficial for me (Paul wrote about this in 1 Corinthians 10:23).

Bottom line?  You might say "yes" to something and it might be totally fine.  Great!  But, be aware that there will be times when saying "yes" means a "no" to something else beneficial, constructive, or really important.

Better Questions, Better Answers

In the past couple of days, I've had two different conversations that have reminded me the value of asking a good question.  One conversation was about relationships and marriage.  The other conversation was about worldviews and perspectives.  Both of these conversations happened with people close to me that often help me think through my own perspectives, beliefs, behaviors, and relationships.

As I stated in my first post (in some form or another), I don't claim to have all the answers backed with scientific research.  However, I have learned a few things that have worked for me while I've lived my life that might be worth sharing.  Here are a couple pointers I've found helpful is asking better questions to get better answers.

1. Seek clarity.  I might think I know what the other person is talking about, but if they have a different idea of how a word or idea should be defined, then the likelyhood of misunderstanding each other increases.  I've found it helpful for me to sometimes start a question or response with telling the other person what I am not addressing and what I am addressing.  It just adds another level of clarity (though some people have received this as dragging out the conversation).

2. Be thoughtful in how you frame your question or response.  Avoid loaded language.  Avoid generalizations.  If I can't necessarily avoid a stereotype, I acknowledge that there is a stereotype at play in the conversation.  I have found that avoiding loaded language, avoiding generalizations, and acknowledging them when they are unavoidable helps sidestep unnecessary frustrations and rabbit trails that aren't on the main point.

3. Be aware of who the other person is.  If I'm conversing with someone, I want to be aware of who they are, how they think, what makes them tick, what they care about, etc.  Obviously, I'm going to be talking with people who I don't know well (or at all), so this becomes harder.  However, if I'm working at really listenting well to the other person, they will naturally drop clues about who they are (as will I as I talk).  But, there are times that I know something about a person, so I might try to relate things "in their language" (speak in volleyball analogies to me and I'm all yours!).

So, again, I'm not claiming that these are "three secrets to successfully conversing with anyone and everyone", but I am saying that they have helped me.  Maybe they will help you!  When I take the time to not blurt out the first question that comes to mind, but instead ask a better question, I find that I get better answers.

Tell me what works for you that I've missed; I'd love to hear them!

Who Do You Want To Be?

Yesterday a friend was telling me about the lesson that she has learned over many months about knowing when to keep her mouth shut about situations she has been told about (or overheard).  By her own admission, she was a bad gossip and has worked hard on not being a gossip.  I was reminded of the importance of keeping the right kind of company when she mentioned needing separation from people who don't know when to stop talking.

A number of years ago, a mentor told me to surround myself with people who had qualities, mindsets, habits, and characteristics that I wanted to not just emulate but possess for myself.  So, as I strive to be the best youth worker I can be, I purposefully seek out youth workers I admire and spend time with them.  As I work hard to learn more about being the best husband I can be, I glean from men who inspire me in how they are husbands while I talk to women who help their husbands be all they can be.

If you struggle with managing your time well and finding the discipline to do your homework, seek out the people that do those things well.  If you're attitude is more critical than you'd like it to be, find a natural encourager.  Watch them.  Listen to them.  Ask them about it (maybe they weren't always good at encouraging others).

The point is this: identify who you want to be and then surround yourself with people who are like that.  My friend recognized something she didn't like about herself, asked for help from those she trusted, and took intentional steps to grow and mature as a person.  You likely will need a handful of people (community is good for us) to cover all the qualities, mindsets, habits, and characteristics that you wish to possess.

So, what is a way you need to grow as a person and who's help do you need to get there?  If I can help, let me know!

Getting Started

I've told enough people that I'm starting a blog that I'm obligated to follow through if I want to be a man of my word, so here it is!  I'm excited to finally be writing and right from the start I want to make a couple things clear so that if you read my blog you understand the role it plays in my life and the role it might be able to play in yours.

First, there are lessons and principles I've learned in the classroom, in books, in conversation, in being mentored, and in living life that I want to remember.

Second, instead of collecting all of these things in a journal for my own good, I think it is a better idea to share them more openly through a blog where conversations can be started and we can learn from each other.

Third, as I'm seeking to gain wisdom for living life well, it means that the topics I write about will probably be broad.  Topics may deal with family, friends, work, ministry, finances, following Jesus, personal integrity, time management, leadership, etc.

Finally, you must know that I don't have it all figured out and, therefore, I may write something that you don't agree with to some degree.  Great!  Kindly and respectfully let me know so that we can challenge one another and learn from each other.

The plan is that the weekly posts will be and short and sweet with one main idea to focus on, but one thing I've learned is that life requires flexibility when you have a plan in place (I think I just gave you a freebie).

Thanks for taking the time to read; hope to read your comment soon.